G. W. Bush's New Book

There are reports that G.W. Bush the Lesser's new book will be as awesome as his Presidency and so people in New Orleans and Iraq have been warned as it will likely kill tens of thousands and in the event of a domestic emergency be completely useless.

The bestest chapter will be about how he spent his many vacations as President. These pictures were taken while New Orleans was under water which is what makes them extra-awesome!

The book won't be all good times and fun though. Bush the Lesser says he will lay out all those moments when he had to make tough decisions that cost people their lives and livelihoods and how he feels somewhat not okay about that.

We can hardly wait for the reviews to start pouring in!

Mother to Pacific Garbage Patch Speaks Out

The recently discovered garbage patch in the Pacific Ocean has garnered a lot of ink of late and been the cause of a lot of worry. Today, Nonnytrash, mother to the garbage patch, fired back at the critics describing them as heartless and defended her son as gross and misunderstood.

"Do you have any idea of how many years of thoughtlessness and uncaring goes into creating something twice the size of Texas? Of course you don't!" She scowled. "You think because you contributed to the stillbirth that is my son you can say any mean thing you want about him? You better think again or I'll fix it so that BPA ends up in all your lakes, rivers, streams and groundwater and none of you ever has any kids of your own!"

"You know, you raise a kid and you hope he can grow, prosper and cover the world and you can be proud. Instead I have to read all these terrible things in papers that date back to 1997 and I'm just not going to take it lying down. What do you think I am, human?"

Nonnytrash's mood brightened when talk turned to her newest progeny now inhabiting the Atlantic Ocean. I see great things for our kind in the future. I invite you to join us. It's not like you can beat us!

Sorry Habs Fans, CBC Thought Boston Was In Canada

Montreal- If you were wondering why the Montreal Canadians playoff series against the Washington Capitals is not on the nations television station, there is an easy explanation.   The CBC executive that scheduled the series thought they were talking about the Boston Ontario Creeks. Said Mr. Needanewjob, "It was an honest mistake, I admit I'm not the biggest hockey fan. When I saw the list of teams it said Boston vs Buffalo. I was just so proud of those Creeks and everybody in Toronto would get a chance to root for a playoff team. It seemed like win, win. It's been so long since Leafs fans had anything to root for I guess I got a little too excited. The thought of the Creeks in the playoffs still gives me the goosebumps, I guess I wasn't thinking straight."

Home of the Boston Creeks. The pride of Ontario hockey.

  When asked about the fans in Montreal Mr. Needanewjob replied that he was never one to root for the Habs and they aren't the most popular team in Toronto anyway.
   When we asked other CBC programming executives for a comment they were surprised to hear there was a problem. In their mind Mr. Needanewjob is doing a bang up job. "We're thinking of having him program the 2012  summer Olympics. After the playoffs we're sending him to London Ontario to see how the construction is coming along. They only have two years left to prepare, and from what I understand they aren't very far along. London is going to be swarming with media, we have to make sure we get the home field advantage and our rooms  at the hotel next to the Timmies," said the President of the CBC Mr. Daryl S. Hatehabs. He went on to add, "I'm sure Mr. Needanewjob and the rest of us at the CBC will do London Ontario and the rest of Candada proud,"

The author of this story would like to quote MR. Homer Simpson of Springfield by saying,"In your face Washington!"

The Utah National Guard Can't Find One

Salt Lake City - It appears that lethal injection is becoming increasingly unpopular among condemned inmates in the state of Utah's penal system. Following the announcement last week that convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner rejected lethal injection in favor of a five man firing squad, possible only in Utah, and countries Iran, North Korea and China - another inmate is taking the plunge.

Randy Peterson, lawyer for prisoner Akweil Makbar Smith, announced via conference call yesterday that his client is interested as well in pursuing death "by other means." When asked what that meant, Peterson responded, "Akweil wants to make a statement. He has an explosive personality. He would like to have an end that reflects that."
                                                                          

Mr. Smith, a performance artist, was convicted in 1989 for the murder of his agent Drake Sutherland two years prior, apparently cutting off his head with a bread knife over a dispute involving a show using embalmed body parts recovered from corrupt New York City morgue officials. The head was never found.

Mr. Smith's lawyers at the time initially issued a plea "of temporary insanity, due to stress trying to make a living as a misunderstood artist," but Smith fired them all and changed his plea to self defense, stating that Sutherland went after him with a Swiss Army pen knife, "the one with twenty-two functions."

Smith was sentenced to the death penalty, set to occur this July 12. Mr. Peterson has indicated that all appeals to delay and possibly reverse the decision have been halted. The execution of his client is "now to be a celebration of this man's life, and his uncompromising approach to his art. With that in mind, we have petitioned the Utah Board of Corrections to permit Mr. Smith to be executed with a rocket propelled grenade launcher (RPG), specifically a Russian one recovered in Iraq used by forces opposing the American occupiers."

"We want this device," Mr. Peterson went on, "to be aimed directly at the chest of Mr. Smith, from a distance of approximately seventy-five meters, for maximum effect. We have calculated that impact will absolutely obliterate the body of my client, with spray and other bodily fluids covering the lenses of the five video cameras that will be trained on him. This is very important."

According to state law, Utah has no choice but to comply. "Using prison grounds is out of the question, we don't have enough room," said Utah Penitentiary Commissioner Perry Mellon, "instead, we're thinking of using the cemetery area behind the Mormon Tabernacle Church here in town. We're callin' the National Guard now to find the requisite weapon. It's highly unusual, but personally, I think it's kinda' cool."

Controversial Garden Story Revealed

The Daily Satirist is now able to print the redacted story in full. After much squabbling with the powers that be our team of lawyers were able to regain the right to publish the story.


Montreal- The City of Montreal is going ahead with their new environmental plan entitled less is more green for us. One of the first plans is to pave over a much loved community garden and erect high end condominiums "There is just not enough place for the rich to live," said a spokesman for the project. "Montreal is a small city with few population and less fewer rich people, so we must make them feel love."
   Asked about the carbon footprint of the project named, kick back the green a spokesman for the city assured the press that the building only the first of many green friendly ventures that the city has just finalized with several construction firms in the city. "The condos will be green. In fact the contractors ordered special green limestone bricks special from Italy. They had to be flown in on a special airbus. The state of the art heated all-season balconies will also be green, a premium green veneer to cover the concrete. I'm told it's truly lovely, you can sun bath in shorts in January. Hydro-Quebec was at the forefront the technology. A marvel of modern mechanization."
   Along with the condo many upscale coffee shops and boutiques will be moving into the otherwise working class neighborhood. The mayor who was also on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremony could be seen holding a coffee cup from one the said shops. When asked about the project he had nothing but glowing remarks, despite what he called, "the fanatical green poo pooers worried about their garden and their tomatoes. As mayor it's my job to look out for all of my constituents and make sure the well to-do have a good place to come home to."

Montreal Goes Green- Green Back In The Pocket That Is Fearful City Council Force Story To Be Redacted

Montreal- The City of Montreal is going ahead with their new environmental plan entitled less is more green for us. One of the first plans is to pave over a much loved community garden and erect  high end condominiums  "There is just not enough place for the rich to live," said a spokesman for the project. "Montreal is a small city with few population and less fewer rich people, so we must make them feel love."   
  Asked about the carbon footprint of the project named, kick back the green a spokesman for the city assured the press that the building only the first of  many green friendly ventures that the city has just finalized with several  construction firms in the city. "The condos will be green. In fact the contractors ordered special green limestone bricks special from Italy. They had to be flown in on a special airbus. The state of the art heated all-season balconies will also be green, a premium green veneer to cover the concrete. I'm told it's truly lovely, you can sun bath in shorts in January. Hydro-Quebec was at the forefront the technology. A marvel of modern mechanization." 
 Along with the condo  many upscale coffee shops and boutiques will be moving into the otherwise working class neighborhood. The mayor who was also on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremony could be seen holding a coffee cup from one the said shops. When asked about the project he had nothing but glowing remarks, despite what he called, "the fanatical green poo pooers worried about their garden and their tomatoes. As mayor it's my job to look out for all of my constituents and make sure the well to-do have a good place to come home to."  

Pope Benedict on Test Flight

Rome - In a hastily arranged press conference held this evening, Dutch airline MLK has apologized to Pope Benedict and the Vatican for apparently placing the Pope and his entire entourage on an Airbus 320 that was initially sent up to explore at what altitude an airliner could reach in order to avoid the volcanic ash clouds now engulfing Europe. MLK spokesperson Ariel Verngatten said that the Pope was "never in danger, I don't think," and that the aircraft left Malta safely and landed in Rome, albeit with the loss of one engine due to ingestion of high concentrations of ash.

"This was a mistake, pure and simple," said MLK CEO Maekel Meuller. "We apologize profusely to the Catholic Church for this affair. As well, we are investigating the reason why the Pope was given clearance to board an empty aircraft. "

When Church spokesman Monsignour Battaglia was asked if they themselves thought it odd that the aircraft was completely empty, he replied that "we thought they were being nice to us, since so few people are these days. Though we did find it strange that there was only one pilot, and he was wearing a parachute and an oxygen mask."

The internal investigation is now centering on an air traffic controller in Malta named Jonathan Smallass. Preliminary study has indicated that Mr. Smallass, native to Gibralter, is the brother of Antony Smallass, who in 1979 filed suit against two priests for allegedly "having their way" with him.

More on this breaking story as we receive it.

The Real Reason Constellation Program Canceled

Washington- President Barack Obama's 2010 budget proposal plans to cancel the future moon mission, named Constellation Program, because of budgetary restraints. The real reason, according to unnamed inside sources is that the Secret Service and NASA informed the President at a top secret meeting held at the oval office that the original 1969 moon landing was in fact a hoax. The President was said to have yelled, "I knew it all along. You just can't get past that Van Allen radiation belt."  We have yet to confirm whether the President made a fist pumping gesture upon his exclamation.

 NASA officials said that they could fake another trip to the moon but thought the money would be better spent on a fake trip to Mars instead. Better to not got where no one has never been before, a NASA official was to have said.