RCMP HONOUR QUEEN WITH TASER

Ottawa- The RCMP will be presenting Queen Elizabeth with a gift later this month. In tribute to her role as acting honorary commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police they plan on giving her a taser at an upcoming military tatoo May 16th.
A special contingent of mounties, including a pipe band will be flying to England for the ceremony. The Queen was said to be elated upon finding out she will be getting the same model as the one that killed Robert Dziekanski. Unable to contain her excitement, a spokesman for the Queen said, "she invited the mounties, pipe band and all to stay at Windsor Castle as her guest."
To show their gratitude for the Queens hospitality, before they leave for Canada, the RCMP is planning a quick demonstration on the proper use of a taser. Said one Mountie,"It's good to have your technique down. You never know when the Queen might have to defend herself against somebody wielding a stapler or some other piece of stationary equipment. So we'll show her how to fire the tasor and some tricks on aiming it properly. Luckily a Polish grounds keeper has volunteered to help with the exercise."
The taser is the latest in a long list of gifts given to the Royals on behalf of the RCMP. The tradition started during the birth of Canada when the Queen received a Hudson's Bay Blanket simular to the one's traded with the Indigenous population.

God Keep Our Land Glorious and Free... Politicians Relieved

Ottawa- Federal politicians are a buzz with anticipation as they await a miracle to maintain Canada’s freedom. Said one unnamed Conservative, "We have done our best now it’s up to God. With all the hockey games, the Blue Jays and Raptors, he should be right sick of us begging for divine help. Personally though it’s a great load off, now we can focus on passing laws without the pressure of keeping Canada free.”

The NDP critique for inter-governmental affairs, Anita Nuleader was equally pleased with the idea, “God knows we need all the aid we can get, if she can help I’m all for it.” The Liberals were unavailable for comment but did say they are planning a committee on the matter and will have a policy statement made available after the committee’s findings are put through a policy review at the next leadership convention. When a reporter told the Liberal spokesman that the policy came into affect under their stewardship the liberal said it was before his time in Ottawa. But that it must be working because it has been awhile since he thought about Canadian’s freedom. The Bloc issued a statement saying there are more churches in Quebec than any other province and if God was going to help anyone it would be Quebecers. They also plan on putting a law before parliament eliminating the word Canada from the National Anthem unless the nation of Quebec inside of Canada is also mentioned.

Shootout At Ottawa Airport

Ottawa- National security adviser Hillary Clinton came under heavy sniper fire upon landing at Ottawa airport on April 1'st. The state department withheld any information on the incident until all means of capturing the assailants was taken.
Several secret service agents chased after the former first lady as she deftly serpentined between the bullets. Dodging the incoming gunfire she dove into the back seat of her limo as it drove by.
A White House spokesman said the security adviser was quite shaken and if not for her previous experience in Bosnia the situation would have been much worse. Ex-President Clinton canceled a speaking engagement at the woman's auxiliary and flew to Ottawa to be by his wife's side.

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