Thursday, July 29, 2010

Toyota's New Product Launch

Tokyo - At a news conference held here this morning, Toyota chairman Isuzu Toyoda announced plans for a new hybrid automobile, to be produced and sold only in the United States. Tentatively called the "Perfect Storm", the new midsize is scheduled for a quick debut for the 2012 model year. Key to the new vehicles, Toyoda emphasized, was the use of all defective parts from all Toyotas recalled from the last ten years, including sticking accelerators good for unintended speeds up to 180 kilometers an hour, brake pedals that sink to the floor due to sophisticated glitches in electronic circuitry, "intelligent" floor mats that will block the use of all pedals when the driver is most likely to use the car, and the quietest engines possible in order to startle and perhaps kill unsuspecting pedestrians. Also included are steering lock-ups occurring at high speed, courtesy of the latest recall involving hundreds of thousands of Avalon sedans.

Already hailed in automotive circles today "as getting in front of, and on top of Toyota's problems" (Car & Driver), ad agencies chimed in with accolades for "audacious, creative, and frankly, unbelievable marketing" (Frank Shuster of Shuster, Shuster, & Shuster), and "I'd kill to have penned this campaign, no pun intended" ( George Marbellus of Flamethrower Marketing). "Toyota looks prime to capitalize on its woes by building a car with all the woes included," said consumer advocate and twice failed presidential candidate Ralph Nader, adding that, "At least drivers will know that they're likely to be killed. This isn't the Corvair. I, for one, appreciate their honesty."

Pundits predict that Toyota will sell three to four million of the Perfect Storms, most likely because of the ten thousand dollar price tag of the car, zero money down, no interest charged and one hundred and twenty months to pay. But also, as psychologist Jamie Mendacio was quoted in The New York Times Online Edition, "This is a car for Type A people. They want and need high risk. Going to work in the morning should be an adventure for them. If they get there, they'll perform better. I think it's a wonderful idea."

Chairman Toyoda also announced that Toyota will ask the U.S. Government for subsidy help in order to facilitate production of the car in Tennessee and South Carolina, low cost non union states where the ratio of college educated job applicants applying for eleven dollar an hour job openings at Toyota factories is two hundred to one. When pressed for comment, Obama Administration press secretary Robert Gibbs said "Toyota's new initiative is interesting. We figure the deaths that might result from the new car is more than compensated by the thousands of new jobs that will be created by our friends at Toyota. We approve. We're hoping that Mazda and perhaps Hyundai will come forward with similar proposals. There are bad cars everywhere. Let's put them to use and put Americans back to work."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Top Secret Report Outlines Canada's Spring Plan For Drilling In Far North

Ottawa- Federal politicians were all smiles after reviewing Irving Oil's plans for Canada's far north.  The top secret paper, (which was not to be made public except for the heroic act of a brave parliamentary aid), contains the plans for far reaching drilling in the far north. If all goes according to schedule the massive project would start next spring. Irving boast on page four of the study,  it will make the James Bay Project look a kid's sand castle.

Both parties want to get the drilling going as soon as possible. Canadian politicians want to protect and ensure Canada's right to the land and Irving wants to get their foot in the door before the competition. Generally the oil companies like to get things going before the environmental impact studies are finished. A BP spokesman is famous for saying,"impact studies, what about impact studies. They're like counting your oppositions wickets before the end of the cricket match. You don't know the damage done till the damage is done. And even then who's to say, impact is a very vague term when it comes to quantifying the end result of any given situation in real life terms. It's quite possible those birds would have died anyways so when it comes down to it the only thing we're really guilty of is only speeding up the natural order of things."

Irving Oil's top scientist concluded, the sooner we get started the sooner we speed up global warming the sooner the ice melts, the sooner we have more water to drill in, it's the most win win situation since the Spaniards discovered South America. The federal environment minister Jim Prentice concluded, "Looks like Irving covered all the bases, I don't see what could go wrong. I probably should do some sort of consultation  with a  but when ever I fill up at Irving the kid always checks my oil. With quality control like that I can't imagine anything negative could occur.

A Canadian military representative stated in the paper, "if anybody messes with us we'll have those hot new planes by then. I'd like to see them try our boys. In fact we plan on building a permanent base up there, with a Tim Hortons and everything. If we get started in the summer we should be finished in time for the hockey season."

Irving Oil in a bid to expand their corporate portfolio plans on building Canada's newest city not far from the future site of the military base. Irving Oil envisions the city to be a Las Vegas north with plenty to keep the army personnel and oil workers busy during their stay in Canada's last frontier.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stanley McChrystal Traded in Five Player Deal

Washington - President Obama today announced that he had traded General Stanley McChrystal to the Taliban for a 1st round draft choice in next month's terrorist draft, with the Taliban dealing three plum Afghan opium operatives to Al-Qaida, with future considerations to the American team from Al-Qaida, possibly an expert on suicide bombing.

McChrystal, for one, was ecstatic on the deal, stating that, "I've always enjoyed watching the Taliban work. They're skilled. They're fun. They want to win. They drive Toyotas with rocket launchers. I'll fit in well with them. I soured on the management on the American team. Not enough commitment to win. Plus I couldn't smoke what I wanted. Besides, I want to have many wives, and with the Tali I can do that. Good money here, and the cost of living is low. And, it'll be great to do counter-counter insurgency. Can't wait."
Analysts predict that the first round draft choice would most likely be Mohammed Many Mohammed, an IED maker of high promise, who personally has claimed the lives of 75 coalition soldiers, runs fast and who speaks passable English. When interviewed this afternoon, Mohammed claimed that he doesn't care who he plays for, "as long as I can see heads blown off." That's the attitude, analysts say, that the American side sorely lacks and why it's ready to deal now.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The World Cup? We Can Do it Better.

Over here at the Daily Satirist, we occasionally come up with ideas so delusional, so completely out there, that we deem them ready for prime time. So in the spirit of sport being employed to help bridge nations together (think China - USA table tennis, 1971. Didn't matter that the Yanks got their asses kicked; or the war on ice between Canada and the Soviets in '72, when Canadian nationalism was born) we propose a soccer tournament unlike any other.

What to call this new event? Well, now that you've asked, we've already thought up a catchy Internet friendly title - "The League of The Damned." And only the truly damned need apply. But we're lucky in this case, since all of our damned candidates are in one very easy to find geographic area. In fact, there are so many of these goddamned candidates we have to divide this league into groups. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. The No Right To Exist Division: The most volatile, and of course, entertaining of are proposed groupings, this collection of cast-offs and zealots should provide some of the most aggressive soccer of our tourney, think soccer with body-checks, as it were. This division is composed of the following interesting, and very scary, teams:
A. The Hamas Terror: Ah the Terror - all our experts are convinced this team will lead the other three in the division, since most of the side play full time soccer in sand lots in Gaza (dressed in full black regalia, complete with balaclava, think of the heat), assembling rocket launchers when the weather is poor. Intricate play making and lightning quick. These guys are good.
B. The Tel Aviv Cosmopolitans: Such a group this is! Expat Russians, Hungarians, a Mossad agent here and there, and a smattering of the best of the downtown gay club teams, the Cosmos have a fluid, smooth ball control style. They will be destroyed.
C. The Ramallah Palestinians: The club team of Al-Fatah, the Palestinians have a fast, emotional young team (coached by a self hating Jew from England) that could surprise. Play while crying. Their match with the Terror is eagerly awaited.
D. The Jerusalem Temple of Zion: Ariel Sharon's favorite team. Attack oriented style, unrelenting, physically intimidating opposing goalkeepers. Opportunistic, they capitalize on opposition mistakes. Favored to advance from the division. Crowd control at their match with the Terror? Nonexistent.

2. The Outlier Division: Good teams reside here, with crowds at most matches expected to be less violent than the No Right To Exist group. Still some tempers might flare, especially when:
A & B: The Beirut Christian Crusaders meet The Hezbollah Mohammeds. Both of these clubs employ strong defensive systems and controlled attacking. Headbutting is a common tactic in Lebanese football. And Hezbollah is known to bring up fleet Iranians to beef up the side. Christians ear bite. Could get ugly.
C. The Jordanian National Army Team: Military in name only. All second division players from England and Europe. Slow on the attack. Dressed in all whites, not known for going for the kill. Coached by the ex French national team coach ( another self-hating Jew, what is it with these guys?). Boring to watch. Not expected to advance.
D. The Damascus Sunnis: A late addition to the fray, a typical Syrian ploy. A collection of all-stars from the Syrian national team and expat Iraqiis, they should get clobbered. But the match between them and the Beirut Christians could prove interesting.

3. The Sand And Mountain Division: A motley array of teams featuring a wide variety of styles, including the banzai attack charges of:
A. The Taliban Beheaders: The fact that these guys are even in this tournament points to a lot of gall. And that's their style of play - constant attack, no defence. Even their goalkeeper plays up front. Play soccer while screaming. Will certainly advance.
B. The Kurdistan Rebels: A real sleeper here. Very well led by an Argentinian coaching staff, the Kurds are young, rambunctious and play with no extra players. Will run the entire game. Play while smiling. Could advance. We'd like them to.
C. The Yemeni Martyrs: Practice in secret camps. Players from all over the world. All have six inch long black beards. Play a slow, methodical tic tac toe game. No one knows who the hell is coaching them. Not favored to go further, and hideous to watch. Mohammed help us if they ever tangle with The Temple of Zion.
D. Mogadishu Marauders: A truly violent squad. No ball control whatsoever. All of their friendlies have been forfeited so far, since the entire team ends up red flagged. One player from the Yemeni Martyrs said they scared the hell out of him. Now that's saying something.

So there you have it, our version of a stand alone soccer tournament. If all goes well, it could go a long way in helping people who normally loathe each other come closer together, at least for a little while. And if it doesn't work, and players' eyes get clawed out, well, we'll still get our Nobel Prize, right?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Israeli Cabinet in Test Session

Tel Aviv - In a rare show of unanimity yesterday, the Israeli cabinet decided to change the rules of conduct in all future Gaza blockade related actions. A smiling and visibly happy government spokesman Moishe Strickman described the meeting, " as an emergency. It was so much fun! After last Monday's botched and inept boarding of that activist love boat Mavi what was it?... Marmara? is that it? - ha! funny name...we have chosen a new approach. We must stop those idiotic Swedes and stupid Nobel Prize winners somehow! No more crazy commandos! Ha, ha!"

At that point, AP reporter Meghan Doright broke in, "What is so funny?"
"Funny? What are you talking about? I'm being totally serious!" Strickman retorted, adding, "let me finish, ha, ha, ha...Our Defence Minister, what's his name, came up with this one. During the '67 War, our finest hour of course, we had the means to pacify the entire country of Syria from the newly captured Golan Heights. We never got there, the war ended too soon. Besides, what's his name has said, it scared the hell out of our military at the time. It was developed by the same people who built the nuclear weapons we don't have! Ha..ha..."

"And to placate world opinion, insipid no nothing world opinion, oh how we hate the rest of the world - we had to make sure no do-gooder pseudo peace activist slash terrorist Palestinian lover would be hurt by these new missiles."

"Missiles?" asked Der Speigal's Anika Herzog.


"You said missiles."

"What? Oh yes.. they're only the delivery vehicles, ha, ha..."

"Delivery of what?" asked The Guardian's Rachel Goodhouse, as she reached for her cell phone.

"Of what, of what? you ask? What the hell do I know? Whatever it was we just took! I've never felt so good in my life! Happy, carefree..! I'm just in total love with myself! I don't need my analyst anymore! The entire cabinet tested this and we can now declare that this stuff is so good it's obviously safe. Everybody's rolling in the aisles back there, ha..ha.. It's incredible! People have their clothes off! The next boat that comes over is gonna get nailed! They'll love us for it! We don't even know how long this shit, oh sorry, lasts! Maybe forever ha, ha...! So excuse me, I've got to get back in there, don't wanna miss anything. I think Bibi's up to something. He can be so much fun, you know."

"What's the Defence Minister's name again? Ha, ha.."

Friday, May 28, 2010


After  some delay and much tabulation the results of the inaugural Daily Satirist poll have been tabulated. With U.N. supervision of the ballot counting, Prime Minister  Stephen Harper has been voted WORST PRIME MINISTER EVER. 

Despite a recent  Gallup poll predicting a tight race it turned out to be a runaway decision with the votes going three to one in favour of Worst Prime Minister Ever over the Most Embarrassing Prime Minister Ever.  Barry Beancounter of the Gallup Organization was surprised by the final votes,"I've gone over the numbers several times. Accounting for voter fatigue, bad weather, broken mice and power failures and I'm still surprised that 75% of Canadians feel he is the worst Prime Minister Ever. We had him around fifty percent, sixty at the high end. But the numbers don't lie, just goes to show the Canadian psyche is a strange kettle of fish."

When we called The Prime Minister's office for a comment they said he was busy blowing up balloons for the upcoming G-8 and G-20 meetings and was thus unavailable for comment. We then asked his staff for a word but they said they are forbidden to talk with strangers. Fortunately we were able to contact  former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney on his cell phone while he was waiting in  line at a bank in Bonn Germany,"I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed, I always thought I was the worst Prime Minister ever. None the less I'm proud of Steven and I'm sure he'll do his best to live up the naming. I'd love to talk some more but my turn is up and I have to deposit this bag of money before the wife gets back from the internet cafe."

On behalf of The Daily Satirist the staff would like to congratulate Mr. Harper on being voted worst Prime Minister ever and present him this most lovely trophy. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Forgot Where You Put Your Keys? Don't Worry, It's Evolution

Oslo- Scientists in Norway working at The Thor Heyerdahl Institute For The Advancement Of Theoretical Knowledge have concluded their study on the human brain. The study titled Brain Matters When It’s Shrinking, by doctors Sven Sverdrup and Ollie Van Hostthrumson was ten years in the making, with over 12 000 participants. The study was privately funded with a major contribution being provided by the Coors Brewing Company. When asked about the donation a spokesman for Adolph Coors Inc. said,”Coors Brewing Company is pleased to be associated with such a prestigious study. When people think shrinking brain, we want them to think Coors.”
Results of the study will be published in the Norwegian Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity. Scheduled for the spring issue the magazine will be available at the Norwegian consultant or online at
Thanks to The Daily Satirist’s lifetime subscription to the Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity  we were able to talk with Dr. Van Hostthrumson about the research conducted at the institute.
“The results of the study were quite conclusive,” said Dr. Van Hostthrumson. “We studied x-rays of the participants over the time of the study and there is no doubt that the section of the cerebral cortex that contains human memories is over time, decreasing in size. It seems to be an evolutionary response to our modern society, a defense mechanism so to speak. The brain is being overwhelmed with useless stimuli, what we call the too much crap syndrome. While at the same time the memory part of the brain is being used less and less. First with calculators and now with the internet, humans are relying on electronics to store and calculate data, what we call the lethargic posterior syndrome. When these two conditions occur simultaneously it creates a perfect storm so to speak, with memories being the little fishing boat. We feel, with much confidence I might add, that eventually the humans will have no capacity to remember anything at all. We can see signs of this unfortunate situation already starting to occur. The collective consciousness of society is most defiantly shrinking at quite an alarming rate I might add. Or how else can one explain the resurgence of the U.S. Republican party. There is no other way to explain how their previous eight years in power could be so quickly forgotten.”
Dr. Van Hostthrumson and Dr. Sverdrup will be kicking off a cross country book tour in Come By Chance Newfoundland before working their way east.

Illustration showing results of study. Yellow area represents
the part of the brain that deals with memories. Example of
current brain circa 2010 (left) and brain of the future (right).