Thursday, July 22, 2010

Top Secret Report Outlines Canada's Spring Plan For Drilling In Far North

Ottawa- Federal politicians were all smiles after reviewing Irving Oil's plans for Canada's far north.  The top secret paper, (which was not to be made public except for the heroic act of a brave parliamentary aid), contains the plans for far reaching drilling in the far north. If all goes according to schedule the massive project would start next spring. Irving boast on page four of the study,  it will make the James Bay Project look a kid's sand castle.

Both parties want to get the drilling going as soon as possible. Canadian politicians want to protect and ensure Canada's right to the land and Irving wants to get their foot in the door before the competition. Generally the oil companies like to get things going before the environmental impact studies are finished. A BP spokesman is famous for saying,"impact studies, what about impact studies. They're like counting your oppositions wickets before the end of the cricket match. You don't know the damage done till the damage is done. And even then who's to say, impact is a very vague term when it comes to quantifying the end result of any given situation in real life terms. It's quite possible those birds would have died anyways so when it comes down to it the only thing we're really guilty of is only speeding up the natural order of things."

Irving Oil's top scientist concluded, the sooner we get started the sooner we speed up global warming the sooner the ice melts, the sooner we have more water to drill in, it's the most win win situation since the Spaniards discovered South America. The federal environment minister Jim Prentice concluded, "Looks like Irving covered all the bases, I don't see what could go wrong. I probably should do some sort of consultation  with a  but when ever I fill up at Irving the kid always checks my oil. With quality control like that I can't imagine anything negative could occur.

A Canadian military representative stated in the paper, "if anybody messes with us we'll have those hot new planes by then. I'd like to see them try our boys. In fact we plan on building a permanent base up there, with a Tim Hortons and everything. If we get started in the summer we should be finished in time for the hockey season."

Irving Oil in a bid to expand their corporate portfolio plans on building Canada's newest city not far from the future site of the military base. Irving Oil envisions the city to be a Las Vegas north with plenty to keep the army personnel and oil workers busy during their stay in Canada's last frontier.

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