Thursday, July 29, 2010

Toyota's New Product Launch

Tokyo - At a news conference held here this morning, Toyota chairman Isuzu Toyoda announced plans for a new hybrid automobile, to be produced and sold only in the United States. Tentatively called the "Perfect Storm", the new midsize is scheduled for a quick debut for the 2012 model year. Key to the new vehicles, Toyoda emphasized, was the use of all defective parts from all Toyotas recalled from the last ten years, including sticking accelerators good for unintended speeds up to 180 kilometers an hour, brake pedals that sink to the floor due to sophisticated glitches in electronic circuitry, "intelligent" floor mats that will block the use of all pedals when the driver is most likely to use the car, and the quietest engines possible in order to startle and perhaps kill unsuspecting pedestrians. Also included are steering lock-ups occurring at high speed, courtesy of the latest recall involving hundreds of thousands of Avalon sedans.

Already hailed in automotive circles today "as getting in front of, and on top of Toyota's problems" (Car & Driver), ad agencies chimed in with accolades for "audacious, creative, and frankly, unbelievable marketing" (Frank Shuster of Shuster, Shuster, & Shuster), and "I'd kill to have penned this campaign, no pun intended" ( George Marbellus of Flamethrower Marketing). "Toyota looks prime to capitalize on its woes by building a car with all the woes included," said consumer advocate and twice failed presidential candidate Ralph Nader, adding that, "At least drivers will know that they're likely to be killed. This isn't the Corvair. I, for one, appreciate their honesty."

Pundits predict that Toyota will sell three to four million of the Perfect Storms, most likely because of the ten thousand dollar price tag of the car, zero money down, no interest charged and one hundred and twenty months to pay. But also, as psychologist Jamie Mendacio was quoted in The New York Times Online Edition, "This is a car for Type A people. They want and need high risk. Going to work in the morning should be an adventure for them. If they get there, they'll perform better. I think it's a wonderful idea."

Chairman Toyoda also announced that Toyota will ask the U.S. Government for subsidy help in order to facilitate production of the car in Tennessee and South Carolina, low cost non union states where the ratio of college educated job applicants applying for eleven dollar an hour job openings at Toyota factories is two hundred to one. When pressed for comment, Obama Administration press secretary Robert Gibbs said "Toyota's new initiative is interesting. We figure the deaths that might result from the new car is more than compensated by the thousands of new jobs that will be created by our friends at Toyota. We approve. We're hoping that Mazda and perhaps Hyundai will come forward with similar proposals. There are bad cars everywhere. Let's put them to use and put Americans back to work."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Top Secret Report Outlines Canada's Spring Plan For Drilling In Far North

Ottawa- Federal politicians were all smiles after reviewing Irving Oil's plans for Canada's far north.  The top secret paper, (which was not to be made public except for the heroic act of a brave parliamentary aid), contains the plans for far reaching drilling in the far north. If all goes according to schedule the massive project would start next spring. Irving boast on page four of the study,  it will make the James Bay Project look a kid's sand castle.

Both parties want to get the drilling going as soon as possible. Canadian politicians want to protect and ensure Canada's right to the land and Irving wants to get their foot in the door before the competition. Generally the oil companies like to get things going before the environmental impact studies are finished. A BP spokesman is famous for saying,"impact studies, what about impact studies. They're like counting your oppositions wickets before the end of the cricket match. You don't know the damage done till the damage is done. And even then who's to say, impact is a very vague term when it comes to quantifying the end result of any given situation in real life terms. It's quite possible those birds would have died anyways so when it comes down to it the only thing we're really guilty of is only speeding up the natural order of things."

Irving Oil's top scientist concluded, the sooner we get started the sooner we speed up global warming the sooner the ice melts, the sooner we have more water to drill in, it's the most win win situation since the Spaniards discovered South America. The federal environment minister Jim Prentice concluded, "Looks like Irving covered all the bases, I don't see what could go wrong. I probably should do some sort of consultation  with a  but when ever I fill up at Irving the kid always checks my oil. With quality control like that I can't imagine anything negative could occur.

A Canadian military representative stated in the paper, "if anybody messes with us we'll have those hot new planes by then. I'd like to see them try our boys. In fact we plan on building a permanent base up there, with a Tim Hortons and everything. If we get started in the summer we should be finished in time for the hockey season."

Irving Oil in a bid to expand their corporate portfolio plans on building Canada's newest city not far from the future site of the military base. Irving Oil envisions the city to be a Las Vegas north with plenty to keep the army personnel and oil workers busy during their stay in Canada's last frontier.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stanley McChrystal Traded in Five Player Deal

Washington - President Obama today announced that he had traded General Stanley McChrystal to the Taliban for a 1st round draft choice in next month's terrorist draft, with the Taliban dealing three plum Afghan opium operatives to Al-Qaida, with future considerations to the American team from Al-Qaida, possibly an expert on suicide bombing.

McChrystal, for one, was ecstatic on the deal, stating that, "I've always enjoyed watching the Taliban work. They're skilled. They're fun. They want to win. They drive Toyotas with rocket launchers. I'll fit in well with them. I soured on the management on the American team. Not enough commitment to win. Plus I couldn't smoke what I wanted. Besides, I want to have many wives, and with the Tali I can do that. Good money here, and the cost of living is low. And, it'll be great to do counter-counter insurgency. Can't wait."
Analysts predict that the first round draft choice would most likely be Mohammed Many Mohammed, an IED maker of high promise, who personally has claimed the lives of 75 coalition soldiers, runs fast and who speaks passable English. When interviewed this afternoon, Mohammed claimed that he doesn't care who he plays for, "as long as I can see heads blown off." That's the attitude, analysts say, that the American side sorely lacks and why it's ready to deal now.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The World Cup? We Can Do it Better.

Over here at the Daily Satirist, we occasionally come up with ideas so delusional, so completely out there, that we deem them ready for prime time. So in the spirit of sport being employed to help bridge nations together (think China - USA table tennis, 1971. Didn't matter that the Yanks got their asses kicked; or the war on ice between Canada and the Soviets in '72, when Canadian nationalism was born) we propose a soccer tournament unlike any other.

What to call this new event? Well, now that you've asked, we've already thought up a catchy Internet friendly title - "The League of The Damned." And only the truly damned need apply. But we're lucky in this case, since all of our damned candidates are in one very easy to find geographic area. In fact, there are so many of these goddamned candidates we have to divide this league into groups. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. The No Right To Exist Division: The most volatile, and of course, entertaining of are proposed groupings, this collection of cast-offs and zealots should provide some of the most aggressive soccer of our tourney, think soccer with body-checks, as it were. This division is composed of the following interesting, and very scary, teams:
A. The Hamas Terror: Ah the Terror - all our experts are convinced this team will lead the other three in the division, since most of the side play full time soccer in sand lots in Gaza (dressed in full black regalia, complete with balaclava, think of the heat), assembling rocket launchers when the weather is poor. Intricate play making and lightning quick. These guys are good.
B. The Tel Aviv Cosmopolitans: Such a group this is! Expat Russians, Hungarians, a Mossad agent here and there, and a smattering of the best of the downtown gay club teams, the Cosmos have a fluid, smooth ball control style. They will be destroyed.
C. The Ramallah Palestinians: The club team of Al-Fatah, the Palestinians have a fast, emotional young team (coached by a self hating Jew from England) that could surprise. Play while crying. Their match with the Terror is eagerly awaited.
D. The Jerusalem Temple of Zion: Ariel Sharon's favorite team. Attack oriented style, unrelenting, physically intimidating opposing goalkeepers. Opportunistic, they capitalize on opposition mistakes. Favored to advance from the division. Crowd control at their match with the Terror? Nonexistent.

2. The Outlier Division: Good teams reside here, with crowds at most matches expected to be less violent than the No Right To Exist group. Still some tempers might flare, especially when:
A & B: The Beirut Christian Crusaders meet The Hezbollah Mohammeds. Both of these clubs employ strong defensive systems and controlled attacking. Headbutting is a common tactic in Lebanese football. And Hezbollah is known to bring up fleet Iranians to beef up the side. Christians ear bite. Could get ugly.
C. The Jordanian National Army Team: Military in name only. All second division players from England and Europe. Slow on the attack. Dressed in all whites, not known for going for the kill. Coached by the ex French national team coach ( another self-hating Jew, what is it with these guys?). Boring to watch. Not expected to advance.
D. The Damascus Sunnis: A late addition to the fray, a typical Syrian ploy. A collection of all-stars from the Syrian national team and expat Iraqiis, they should get clobbered. But the match between them and the Beirut Christians could prove interesting.

3. The Sand And Mountain Division: A motley array of teams featuring a wide variety of styles, including the banzai attack charges of:
A. The Taliban Beheaders: The fact that these guys are even in this tournament points to a lot of gall. And that's their style of play - constant attack, no defence. Even their goalkeeper plays up front. Play soccer while screaming. Will certainly advance.
B. The Kurdistan Rebels: A real sleeper here. Very well led by an Argentinian coaching staff, the Kurds are young, rambunctious and play with no extra players. Will run the entire game. Play while smiling. Could advance. We'd like them to.
C. The Yemeni Martyrs: Practice in secret camps. Players from all over the world. All have six inch long black beards. Play a slow, methodical tic tac toe game. No one knows who the hell is coaching them. Not favored to go further, and hideous to watch. Mohammed help us if they ever tangle with The Temple of Zion.
D. Mogadishu Marauders: A truly violent squad. No ball control whatsoever. All of their friendlies have been forfeited so far, since the entire team ends up red flagged. One player from the Yemeni Martyrs said they scared the hell out of him. Now that's saying something.

So there you have it, our version of a stand alone soccer tournament. If all goes well, it could go a long way in helping people who normally loathe each other come closer together, at least for a little while. And if it doesn't work, and players' eyes get clawed out, well, we'll still get our Nobel Prize, right?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Israeli Cabinet in Test Session

Tel Aviv - In a rare show of unanimity yesterday, the Israeli cabinet decided to change the rules of conduct in all future Gaza blockade related actions. A smiling and visibly happy government spokesman Moishe Strickman described the meeting, " as an emergency. It was so much fun! After last Monday's botched and inept boarding of that activist love boat Mavi what was it?... Marmara? is that it? - ha! funny name...we have chosen a new approach. We must stop those idiotic Swedes and stupid Nobel Prize winners somehow! No more crazy commandos! Ha, ha!"

At that point, AP reporter Meghan Doright broke in, "What is so funny?"
"Funny? What are you talking about? I'm being totally serious!" Strickman retorted, adding, "let me finish, ha, ha, ha...Our Defence Minister, what's his name, came up with this one. During the '67 War, our finest hour of course, we had the means to pacify the entire country of Syria from the newly captured Golan Heights. We never got there, the war ended too soon. Besides, what's his name has said, it scared the hell out of our military at the time. It was developed by the same people who built the nuclear weapons we don't have! Ha..ha..."

"And to placate world opinion, insipid no nothing world opinion, oh how we hate the rest of the world - we had to make sure no do-gooder pseudo peace activist slash terrorist Palestinian lover would be hurt by these new missiles."

"Missiles?" asked Der Speigal's Anika Herzog.


"You said missiles."

"What? Oh yes.. they're only the delivery vehicles, ha, ha..."

"Delivery of what?" asked The Guardian's Rachel Goodhouse, as she reached for her cell phone.

"Of what, of what? you ask? What the hell do I know? Whatever it was we just took! I've never felt so good in my life! Happy, carefree..! I'm just in total love with myself! I don't need my analyst anymore! The entire cabinet tested this and we can now declare that this stuff is so good it's obviously safe. Everybody's rolling in the aisles back there, ha..ha.. It's incredible! People have their clothes off! The next boat that comes over is gonna get nailed! They'll love us for it! We don't even know how long this shit, oh sorry, lasts! Maybe forever ha, ha...! So excuse me, I've got to get back in there, don't wanna miss anything. I think Bibi's up to something. He can be so much fun, you know."

"What's the Defence Minister's name again? Ha, ha.."

Friday, May 28, 2010


After  some delay and much tabulation the results of the inaugural Daily Satirist poll have been tabulated. With U.N. supervision of the ballot counting, Prime Minister  Stephen Harper has been voted WORST PRIME MINISTER EVER. 

Despite a recent  Gallup poll predicting a tight race it turned out to be a runaway decision with the votes going three to one in favour of Worst Prime Minister Ever over the Most Embarrassing Prime Minister Ever.  Barry Beancounter of the Gallup Organization was surprised by the final votes,"I've gone over the numbers several times. Accounting for voter fatigue, bad weather, broken mice and power failures and I'm still surprised that 75% of Canadians feel he is the worst Prime Minister Ever. We had him around fifty percent, sixty at the high end. But the numbers don't lie, just goes to show the Canadian psyche is a strange kettle of fish."

When we called The Prime Minister's office for a comment they said he was busy blowing up balloons for the upcoming G-8 and G-20 meetings and was thus unavailable for comment. We then asked his staff for a word but they said they are forbidden to talk with strangers. Fortunately we were able to contact  former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney on his cell phone while he was waiting in  line at a bank in Bonn Germany,"I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed, I always thought I was the worst Prime Minister ever. None the less I'm proud of Steven and I'm sure he'll do his best to live up the naming. I'd love to talk some more but my turn is up and I have to deposit this bag of money before the wife gets back from the internet cafe."

On behalf of The Daily Satirist the staff would like to congratulate Mr. Harper on being voted worst Prime Minister ever and present him this most lovely trophy. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Forgot Where You Put Your Keys? Don't Worry, It's Evolution

Oslo- Scientists in Norway working at The Thor Heyerdahl Institute For The Advancement Of Theoretical Knowledge have concluded their study on the human brain. The study titled Brain Matters When It’s Shrinking, by doctors Sven Sverdrup and Ollie Van Hostthrumson was ten years in the making, with over 12 000 participants. The study was privately funded with a major contribution being provided by the Coors Brewing Company. When asked about the donation a spokesman for Adolph Coors Inc. said,”Coors Brewing Company is pleased to be associated with such a prestigious study. When people think shrinking brain, we want them to think Coors.”
Results of the study will be published in the Norwegian Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity. Scheduled for the spring issue the magazine will be available at the Norwegian consultant or online at
Thanks to The Daily Satirist’s lifetime subscription to the Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity  we were able to talk with Dr. Van Hostthrumson about the research conducted at the institute.
“The results of the study were quite conclusive,” said Dr. Van Hostthrumson. “We studied x-rays of the participants over the time of the study and there is no doubt that the section of the cerebral cortex that contains human memories is over time, decreasing in size. It seems to be an evolutionary response to our modern society, a defense mechanism so to speak. The brain is being overwhelmed with useless stimuli, what we call the too much crap syndrome. While at the same time the memory part of the brain is being used less and less. First with calculators and now with the internet, humans are relying on electronics to store and calculate data, what we call the lethargic posterior syndrome. When these two conditions occur simultaneously it creates a perfect storm so to speak, with memories being the little fishing boat. We feel, with much confidence I might add, that eventually the humans will have no capacity to remember anything at all. We can see signs of this unfortunate situation already starting to occur. The collective consciousness of society is most defiantly shrinking at quite an alarming rate I might add. Or how else can one explain the resurgence of the U.S. Republican party. There is no other way to explain how their previous eight years in power could be so quickly forgotten.”
Dr. Van Hostthrumson and Dr. Sverdrup will be kicking off a cross country book tour in Come By Chance Newfoundland before working their way east.

Illustration showing results of study. Yellow area represents
the part of the brain that deals with memories. Example of
current brain circa 2010 (left) and brain of the future (right).

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Acting Debut


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Local Labrador Man Kicks Prime Minister Harper Off Island

Labrador- Much to the disdain of his neighbours local inventor Clarence Peters is putting the small town of L'Anse Amour Labrador on the map. Previously known for its picture postcard scenery now-a-days its all about being the east coast hub of technology. Said Hal Johnson, Mr. Peters neighbour for the past twenty years,"we're all very proud of him and appreciate what he is doing for us all but with all the attention we're starting to miss the peace and quiet. We are also worried about making enemies with the feds, but then again this is a Liberal riding so it's not like we're going to be getting any of that federal stimulus money any time soon." 

What did Mr. Peters invent that has the province, country and Conservative Party is such a state? A small computer chip that when installed in any television automatically blocks the presence of Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Watching the hockey game and one of those conservative attack ads starts up, the chip automatically switches to a Harper/Conservative Party free station. Watching the news and a story about the prime minister comes on, bam your watching the Price Is Right. When the previous station is deemed safe your instantly switched back. No more searching for the remote in a mad panic only to switch to another attack ad.

“I got the idea from the V-Chip, but instead I thought why not block out the Prime Minister. It’s not like the Liberals are doing anything about it. So I figured I had to take matters into my own hands. I couldn’t turn on the television with out seen that jerk and it was driving me nuts. Just talking about him I get all riled up. I tell ya the chip saved my life. My blood pressure is down, I’m calmer, even getting a little more nookie from the wife. I heard her chirping to one of her girlfriends the other day that Harper was turning her off men. We were both surprised to find out that was a common occurrence across the island. So for the sake of future Labradorians and couples across Canada I had to do something. Like President Kennedy said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can block out for your country,” said Mr. Peters from his home in Southern Labrador.

Asked whether he is going to market the chip in the rest of Canada Mr. Peters said,”People are so grateful to get a chip it feels like I’m doing God’s work, or the Liberals work anyways. So if the people want them how can I say no. My friend Marvin is building a website, it should be up and running some time soon. We’re going to call it, peace of mind chip dot com.”

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Arizona Allegory

Tucson, Arizona - In an apparent attempt to downplay the significance of a firefight that broke out in downtown Tucson yesterday, Police Commissioner Billy J. Hiccup explained in today's news conference that, "I think we may have jumped the gun a little bit, no pun intended. We were expectin' them, that's for sure. "

"Them," in this case, pertain to a group of Mexicans that call themselves ABTM - an acronym for Arizona Belongs to Mexico. ABTM has been known in the past to ask Tucson and Phoenix pedestrians for their identity papers, stating that according to their manifesto, the state of Arizona is still Mexican territory, having been annexed illegally by the United States in 1847.

"Ninety police officers intercepted a large group of what they believed to be illegal aliens riding in broad daylight on Main Street," Hiccup said, "against traffic."

When asked to explain what it was that caused his officers at 9:00 in the morning Sunday to be suspicious of fifteen men wearing sombreros on horseback with ammunition belts across their shoulders, old Mexican Army issue rifles on their laps, Hiccup declared, "Well, it certainly wasn't their weapons. That there is legal here in Arizona, as you all well know. They coulda been firin' them, that woulda been okay too. As long as they pointed them up in the air. A little Sunday fun don't harm anyone. But it was them horses. No proper Arizonan horse would defecate like that on a city street. That just isn't right. And besides, it's against the law."

Before the altercation, witnesses confirmed that ABTM members were heard to be chanting, "The illegals are legal, and the legals are illegal."

Hiccup was asked about a comment attributed to one of the officers that alluded to the horses being the wrong color, and smelling different. "That can't be confirmed," the police chief retorted, "but it could very well be what tipped my men off, that these horses just didn't belong here."

The men on horseback refused to hand over documentation for the horses confirming their legal immigrant status, explaining that none existed, since none of the horses could read or write. Instead, they demanded the police to show their own immigration papers. A standoff (need we say what kind?) ensued. AP wire had reported that a police woman was the first to draw her weapon and fire, just as the TV news crews arrived, causing three suspected alien horses to flee down a back alley, heading south pell mell towards the Rio Grande. The other horses panicked, and charged the police officers. The police then retreated, leaving police cars behind, windshields shattered and doors battered by horses hooves and a fusillade of nineteenth century musket fire.

"I can confirm," Mr. Hiccup continued, "that four horses and their riders were injured due to stun gun blasts, and that the rest have been rounded up and are having their anal cavities checked for illegal drugs as we speak."

Sheriff Hiccup would not elaborate as to whose anal cavities were being probed - rider, horse, or both.

Monday, May 3, 2010

David Duke And Mel Gibson Modernize Ten Commandments

Mel Gibson and David Duke Work On A Scene From Their  New Movie
Hollywood is dumbstruck at the news that former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke and Hollywood Bad Boy Mel Gibson are working on an updated version of Cecile B. Demille's classic The Ten Commandments. Set in modern day America the movie is set for release in time for Passover 2011.

Said Mr. Gibson from location, “The movie is set in the 1980’s with David playing himself or the Moses character. Only instead of leading those Jews to freedom he leads the Republicans to the promised land, or in this case the governors mansion. You know, I get asked all the time about David's acting ability andI tell you the guy is a natural, it's like he's been acting all his life. There is this one touching scene where David is leading us through a shopping mall parking lot  when suddenly there are hordes of crazed Democrats charging at us from all directions. It’s early in the morning you see so  all the doors are still locked, so we’re trapped between the stampeding Democrats on the locked down mall! Then just when everybody is starting to panic David pulls a dollar bill from his wallet, kisses it and then throws it in the air. While everybody is watching the bill flutter in the wind, miraculously the doors to the Bed Bath and Beyond spring open and part like the Red Sea, with David leading us to safety. I’m not to proud to say I was almost brought to tears when I watched the dailies. I play a local sheriff who keeps everybody on the moral high ground, the  Aaron character."

In a stroke of technological engineering the late Marlon Brando is going to be playing the Democratic incumbent. Modernizing the role made famous by Yul Brynner as Pharaoh  Rameses II. When we asked the producers why they decided on Mr. Brando they said they had trouble casting the role. When the word got out that Mel and Dave were involved for some reason alot of people's schedules were booked. Then Mel said he always wanted to work with like minded Mr. Brando but never had the opportunity, it's like getting too shekels for the price of one. 

Rush Limbaugh will be appearing as Dathan Limbrew, a  Republican strategist gone rogue, akin to the role originally played by Edward G. Robinson. Said Mr. Limbaugh,"I'm just so proud to be working with such great people as Mel and Dave. And it's great to be putting the bible in a modern spin that people can relate too."
Also slated to appear is Sarah Palin as David Duke's mother. She plays a hippie who leaves the baby Duke in a basket at the Republican National Convention. "The chance to play the role as David Duke's mother is just a dream come true. I'm just going to do my darnedest to make this the best movie I can."
The producers are said to be pleased with the movies progress and are looking forward to getting this little piggy to market.

Sarah Palin In Costume For Her Cameo Appearance In Latest 
Gibson Flick  The Ten Consortiums  

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

G. W. Bush's New Book

There are reports that G.W. Bush the Lesser's new book will be as awesome as his Presidency and so people in New Orleans and Iraq have been warned as it will likely kill tens of thousands and in the event of a domestic emergency be completely useless.

The bestest chapter will be about how he spent his many vacations as President. These pictures were taken while New Orleans was under water which is what makes them extra-awesome!

The book won't be all good times and fun though. Bush the Lesser says he will lay out all those moments when he had to make tough decisions that cost people their lives and livelihoods and how he feels somewhat not okay about that.

We can hardly wait for the reviews to start pouring in!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mother to Pacific Garbage Patch Speaks Out

The recently discovered garbage patch in the Pacific Ocean has garnered a lot of ink of late and been the cause of a lot of worry. Today, Nonnytrash, mother to the garbage patch, fired back at the critics describing them as heartless and defended her son as gross and misunderstood.

"Do you have any idea of how many years of thoughtlessness and uncaring goes into creating something twice the size of Texas? Of course you don't!" She scowled. "You think because you contributed to the stillbirth that is my son you can say any mean thing you want about him? You better think again or I'll fix it so that BPA ends up in all your lakes, rivers, streams and groundwater and none of you ever has any kids of your own!"

"You know, you raise a kid and you hope he can grow, prosper and cover the world and you can be proud. Instead I have to read all these terrible things in papers that date back to 1997 and I'm just not going to take it lying down. What do you think I am, human?"

Nonnytrash's mood brightened when talk turned to her newest progeny now inhabiting the Atlantic Ocean. I see great things for our kind in the future. I invite you to join us. It's not like you can beat us!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sorry Habs Fans, CBC Thought Boston Was In Canada

Montreal- If you were wondering why the Montreal Canadians playoff series against the Washington Capitals is not on the nations television station, there is an easy explanation.   The CBC executive that scheduled the series thought they were talking about the Boston Ontario Creeks. Said Mr. Needanewjob, "It was an honest mistake, I admit I'm not the biggest hockey fan. When I saw the list of teams it said Boston vs Buffalo. I was just so proud of those Creeks and everybody in Toronto would get a chance to root for a playoff team. It seemed like win, win. It's been so long since Leafs fans had anything to root for I guess I got a little too excited. The thought of the Creeks in the playoffs still gives me the goosebumps, I guess I wasn't thinking straight."
Home of the Boston Creeks. The pride of Ontario hockey.
  When asked about the fans in Montreal Mr. Needanewjob replied that he was never one to root for the Habs and they aren't the most popular team in Toronto anyway.
   When we asked other CBC programming executives for a comment they were surprised to hear there was a problem. In their mind Mr. Needanewjob is doing a bang up job. "We're thinking of having him program the 2012  summer Olympics. After the playoffs we're sending him to London Ontario to see how the construction is coming along. They only have two years left to prepare, and from what I understand they aren't very far along. London is going to be swarming with media, we have to make sure we get the home field advantage and our rooms  at the hotel next to the Timmies," said the President of the CBC Mr. Daryl S. Hatehabs. He went on to add, "I'm sure Mr. Needanewjob and the rest of us at the CBC will do London Ontario and the rest of Candada proud,"

The author of this story would like to quote MR. Homer Simpson of Springfield by saying,"In your face Washington!"

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Utah National Guard Can't Find One

Salt Lake City - It appears that lethal injection is becoming increasingly unpopular among condemned inmates in the state of Utah's penal system. Following the announcement last week that convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner rejected lethal injection in favor of a five man firing squad, possible only in Utah, and countries Iran, North Korea and China - another inmate is taking the plunge.

Randy Peterson, lawyer for prisoner Akweil Makbar Smith, announced via conference call yesterday that his client is interested as well in pursuing death "by other means." When asked what that meant, Peterson responded, "Akweil wants to make a statement. He has an explosive personality. He would like to have an end that reflects that."
Mr. Smith, a performance artist, was convicted in 1989 for the murder of his agent Drake Sutherland two years prior, apparently cutting off his head with a bread knife over a dispute involving a show using embalmed body parts recovered from corrupt New York City morgue officials. The head was never found.

Mr. Smith's lawyers at the time initially issued a plea "of temporary insanity, due to stress trying to make a living as a misunderstood artist," but Smith fired them all and changed his plea to self defense, stating that Sutherland went after him with a Swiss Army pen knife, "the one with twenty-two functions."

Smith was sentenced to the death penalty, set to occur this July 12. Mr. Peterson has indicated that all appeals to delay and possibly reverse the decision have been halted. The execution of his client is "now to be a celebration of this man's life, and his uncompromising approach to his art. With that in mind, we have petitioned the Utah Board of Corrections to permit Mr. Smith to be executed with a rocket propelled grenade launcher (RPG), specifically a Russian one recovered in Iraq used by forces opposing the American occupiers."

"We want this device," Mr. Peterson went on, "to be aimed directly at the chest of Mr. Smith, from a distance of approximately seventy-five meters, for maximum effect. We have calculated that impact will absolutely obliterate the body of my client, with spray and other bodily fluids covering the lenses of the five video cameras that will be trained on him. This is very important."

According to state law, Utah has no choice but to comply. "Using prison grounds is out of the question, we don't have enough room," said Utah Penitentiary Commissioner Perry Mellon, "instead, we're thinking of using the cemetery area behind the Mormon Tabernacle Church here in town. We're callin' the National Guard now to find the requisite weapon. It's highly unusual, but personally, I think it's kinda' cool."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Controversial Garden Story Revealed

The Daily Satirist is now able to print the redacted story in full. After much squabbling with the powers that be our team of lawyers were able to regain the right to publish the story.

Montreal- The City of Montreal is going ahead with their new environmental plan entitled less is more green for us. One of the first plans is to pave over a much loved community garden and erect high end condominiums "There is just not enough place for the rich to live," said a spokesman for the project. "Montreal is a small city with few population and less fewer rich people, so we must make them feel love."
   Asked about the carbon footprint of the project named, kick back the green a spokesman for the city assured the press that the building only the first of many green friendly ventures that the city has just finalized with several construction firms in the city. "The condos will be green. In fact the contractors ordered special green limestone bricks special from Italy. They had to be flown in on a special airbus. The state of the art heated all-season balconies will also be green, a premium green veneer to cover the concrete. I'm told it's truly lovely, you can sun bath in shorts in January. Hydro-Quebec was at the forefront the technology. A marvel of modern mechanization."
   Along with the condo many upscale coffee shops and boutiques will be moving into the otherwise working class neighborhood. The mayor who was also on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremony could be seen holding a coffee cup from one the said shops. When asked about the project he had nothing but glowing remarks, despite what he called, "the fanatical green poo pooers worried about their garden and their tomatoes. As mayor it's my job to look out for all of my constituents and make sure the well to-do have a good place to come home to."

Montreal Goes Green- Green Back In The Pocket That Is Fearful City Council Force Story To Be Redacted

Montreal- The City of Montreal is going ahead with their new environmental plan entitled less is more green for us. One of the first plans is to pave over a much loved community garden and erect  high end condominiums  "There is just not enough place for the rich to live," said a spokesman for the project. "Montreal is a small city with few population and less fewer rich people, so we must make them feel love."   
  Asked about the carbon footprint of the project named, kick back the green a spokesman for the city assured the press that the building only the first of  many green friendly ventures that the city has just finalized with several  construction firms in the city. "The condos will be green. In fact the contractors ordered special green limestone bricks special from Italy. They had to be flown in on a special airbus. The state of the art heated all-season balconies will also be green, a premium green veneer to cover the concrete. I'm told it's truly lovely, you can sun bath in shorts in January. Hydro-Quebec was at the forefront the technology. A marvel of modern mechanization." 
 Along with the condo  many upscale coffee shops and boutiques will be moving into the otherwise working class neighborhood. The mayor who was also on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremony could be seen holding a coffee cup from one the said shops. When asked about the project he had nothing but glowing remarks, despite what he called, "the fanatical green poo pooers worried about their garden and their tomatoes. As mayor it's my job to look out for all of my constituents and make sure the well to-do have a good place to come home to."  

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Pope Benedict on Test Flight

Rome - In a hastily arranged press conference held this evening, Dutch airline MLK has apologized to Pope Benedict and the Vatican for apparently placing the Pope and his entire entourage on an Airbus 320 that was initially sent up to explore at what altitude an airliner could reach in order to avoid the volcanic ash clouds now engulfing Europe. MLK spokesperson Ariel Verngatten said that the Pope was "never in danger, I don't think," and that the aircraft left Malta safely and landed in Rome, albeit with the loss of one engine due to ingestion of high concentrations of ash.
"This was a mistake, pure and simple," said MLK CEO Maekel Meuller. "We apologize profusely to the Catholic Church for this affair. As well, we are investigating the reason why the Pope was given clearance to board an empty aircraft. "
When Church spokesman Monsignour Battaglia was asked if they themselves thought it odd that the aircraft was completely empty, he replied that "we thought they were being nice to us, since so few people are these days. Though we did find it strange that there was only one pilot, and he was wearing a parachute and an oxygen mask."
The internal investigation is now centering on an air traffic controller in Malta named Jonathan Smallass. Preliminary study has indicated that Mr. Smallass, native to Gibralter, is the brother of Antony Smallass, who in 1979 filed suit against two priests for allegedly "having their way" with him.
More on this breaking story as we receive it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Real Reason Constellation Program Canceled

Washington- President Barack Obama's 2010 budget proposal plans to cancel the future moon mission, named Constellation Program, because of budgetary restraints. The real reason, according to unnamed inside sources is that the Secret Service and NASA informed the President at a top secret meeting held at the oval office that the original 1969 moon landing was in fact a hoax. The President was said to have yelled, "I knew it all along. You just can't get past that Van Allen radiation belt."  We have yet to confirm whether the President made a fist pumping gesture upon his exclamation.
 NASA officials said that they could fake another trip to the moon but thought the money would be better spent on a fake trip to Mars instead. Better to not got where no one has never been before, a NASA official was to have said.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Olympic Podium Repossessed

Vancouver - Canadian Olympic authorities thought they owned the podium but due to a clerical error at 3:15 Monday morning it was repossessed. "Our check bounced faster one of them speed skaters," said a Canadian Olympic official who preferred to remain anonymous."It was a site to see when the repo man chained the podium to his tow truck and dragged it away. Made a real high pitched squeal, kinda like when you club a baby seal," he added.
  A Russian representative said they are looking at leasing the podium when they hold the next winter games. "After this Canadian fiasco we will be much better prepared. We could lease, or we have very many podiums in storage that are already paid for." said Victor Tickmeoff of the Russian olympic team.
  The games will go on. "For the moment we're just going to have the athletes stand on bridge chairs when they get their medals," said an Olympic official. "They aren't much to look at but their sturdy anyways."
  Prime Minister Harper was unavailable for comment but an aid said,"whenever we get back to work I'm sure the Prime Minister will have much more important things on his to do list then finding out the facts of a story that the government feels  was clearly blown out of all proportion by the Liberals and the other opposition parties. We would like to think of this as another Liberal plot to embarrass the Prime Minister at a time when Canada is on the world stage. Prime Minister Harper wanted me to state that when he finally does get back to work he vows to find out  just  how the truth got leaked and will do his best to discredit anyone that insists on spreading these or any other facts his government deems unimportant, inappropriate or just too darn scary for our virgin Canadian ears to hear."
  Meanwhile a Conservative backbencher on vacation in Rio was over heard saying to his Brazilian counter part, "the government believes it would be a waste of the governments time to pursue the facts on this or any other story when we already have a policy of  lying in place. As a rule it is much easier to plan for then the truth. So far it seems to be working for us."