Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Arizona Allegory

Tucson, Arizona - In an apparent attempt to downplay the significance of a firefight that broke out in downtown Tucson yesterday, Police Commissioner Billy J. Hiccup explained in today's news conference that, "I think we may have jumped the gun a little bit, no pun intended. We were expectin' them, that's for sure. "

"Them," in this case, pertain to a group of Mexicans that call themselves ABTM - an acronym for Arizona Belongs to Mexico. ABTM has been known in the past to ask Tucson and Phoenix pedestrians for their identity papers, stating that according to their manifesto, the state of Arizona is still Mexican territory, having been annexed illegally by the United States in 1847.

"Ninety police officers intercepted a large group of what they believed to be illegal aliens riding in broad daylight on Main Street," Hiccup said, "against traffic."

When asked to explain what it was that caused his officers at 9:00 in the morning Sunday to be suspicious of fifteen men wearing sombreros on horseback with ammunition belts across their shoulders, old Mexican Army issue rifles on their laps, Hiccup declared, "Well, it certainly wasn't their weapons. That there is legal here in Arizona, as you all well know. They coulda been firin' them, that woulda been okay too. As long as they pointed them up in the air. A little Sunday fun don't harm anyone. But it was them horses. No proper Arizonan horse would defecate like that on a city street. That just isn't right. And besides, it's against the law."

Before the altercation, witnesses confirmed that ABTM members were heard to be chanting, "The illegals are legal, and the legals are illegal."

Hiccup was asked about a comment attributed to one of the officers that alluded to the horses being the wrong color, and smelling different. "That can't be confirmed," the police chief retorted, "but it could very well be what tipped my men off, that these horses just didn't belong here."

The men on horseback refused to hand over documentation for the horses confirming their legal immigrant status, explaining that none existed, since none of the horses could read or write. Instead, they demanded the police to show their own immigration papers. A standoff (need we say what kind?) ensued. AP wire had reported that a police woman was the first to draw her weapon and fire, just as the TV news crews arrived, causing three suspected alien horses to flee down a back alley, heading south pell mell towards the Rio Grande. The other horses panicked, and charged the police officers. The police then retreated, leaving police cars behind, windshields shattered and doors battered by horses hooves and a fusillade of nineteenth century musket fire.

"I can confirm," Mr. Hiccup continued, "that four horses and their riders were injured due to stun gun blasts, and that the rest have been rounded up and are having their anal cavities checked for illegal drugs as we speak."

Sheriff Hiccup would not elaborate as to whose anal cavities were being probed - rider, horse, or both.

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