Thursday, July 29, 2010

Toyota's New Product Launch

Tokyo - At a news conference held here this morning, Toyota chairman Isuzu Toyoda announced plans for a new hybrid automobile, to be produced and sold only in the United States. Tentatively called the "Perfect Storm", the new midsize is scheduled for a quick debut for the 2012 model year. Key to the new vehicles, Toyoda emphasized, was the use of all defective parts from all Toyotas recalled from the last ten years, including sticking accelerators good for unintended speeds up to 180 kilometers an hour, brake pedals that sink to the floor due to sophisticated glitches in electronic circuitry, "intelligent" floor mats that will block the use of all pedals when the driver is most likely to use the car, and the quietest engines possible in order to startle and perhaps kill unsuspecting pedestrians. Also included are steering lock-ups occurring at high speed, courtesy of the latest recall involving hundreds of thousands of Avalon sedans.

Already hailed in automotive circles today "as getting in front of, and on top of Toyota's problems" (Car & Driver), ad agencies chimed in with accolades for "audacious, creative, and frankly, unbelievable marketing" (Frank Shuster of Shuster, Shuster, & Shuster), and "I'd kill to have penned this campaign, no pun intended" ( George Marbellus of Flamethrower Marketing). "Toyota looks prime to capitalize on its woes by building a car with all the woes included," said consumer advocate and twice failed presidential candidate Ralph Nader, adding that, "At least drivers will know that they're likely to be killed. This isn't the Corvair. I, for one, appreciate their honesty."

Pundits predict that Toyota will sell three to four million of the Perfect Storms, most likely because of the ten thousand dollar price tag of the car, zero money down, no interest charged and one hundred and twenty months to pay. But also, as psychologist Jamie Mendacio was quoted in The New York Times Online Edition, "This is a car for Type A people. They want and need high risk. Going to work in the morning should be an adventure for them. If they get there, they'll perform better. I think it's a wonderful idea."

Chairman Toyoda also announced that Toyota will ask the U.S. Government for subsidy help in order to facilitate production of the car in Tennessee and South Carolina, low cost non union states where the ratio of college educated job applicants applying for eleven dollar an hour job openings at Toyota factories is two hundred to one. When pressed for comment, Obama Administration press secretary Robert Gibbs said "Toyota's new initiative is interesting. We figure the deaths that might result from the new car is more than compensated by the thousands of new jobs that will be created by our friends at Toyota. We approve. We're hoping that Mazda and perhaps Hyundai will come forward with similar proposals. There are bad cars everywhere. Let's put them to use and put Americans back to work."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Top Secret Report Outlines Canada's Spring Plan For Drilling In Far North

Ottawa- Federal politicians were all smiles after reviewing Irving Oil's plans for Canada's far north.  The top secret paper, (which was not to be made public except for the heroic act of a brave parliamentary aid), contains the plans for far reaching drilling in the far north. If all goes according to schedule the massive project would start next spring. Irving boast on page four of the study,  it will make the James Bay Project look a kid's sand castle.

Both parties want to get the drilling going as soon as possible. Canadian politicians want to protect and ensure Canada's right to the land and Irving wants to get their foot in the door before the competition. Generally the oil companies like to get things going before the environmental impact studies are finished. A BP spokesman is famous for saying,"impact studies, what about impact studies. They're like counting your oppositions wickets before the end of the cricket match. You don't know the damage done till the damage is done. And even then who's to say, impact is a very vague term when it comes to quantifying the end result of any given situation in real life terms. It's quite possible those birds would have died anyways so when it comes down to it the only thing we're really guilty of is only speeding up the natural order of things."

Irving Oil's top scientist concluded, the sooner we get started the sooner we speed up global warming the sooner the ice melts, the sooner we have more water to drill in, it's the most win win situation since the Spaniards discovered South America. The federal environment minister Jim Prentice concluded, "Looks like Irving covered all the bases, I don't see what could go wrong. I probably should do some sort of consultation  with a  but when ever I fill up at Irving the kid always checks my oil. With quality control like that I can't imagine anything negative could occur.

A Canadian military representative stated in the paper, "if anybody messes with us we'll have those hot new planes by then. I'd like to see them try our boys. In fact we plan on building a permanent base up there, with a Tim Hortons and everything. If we get started in the summer we should be finished in time for the hockey season."

Irving Oil in a bid to expand their corporate portfolio plans on building Canada's newest city not far from the future site of the military base. Irving Oil envisions the city to be a Las Vegas north with plenty to keep the army personnel and oil workers busy during their stay in Canada's last frontier.