Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stanley McChrystal Traded in Five Player Deal

Washington - President Obama today announced that he had traded General Stanley McChrystal to the Taliban for a 1st round draft choice in next month's terrorist draft, with the Taliban dealing three plum Afghan opium operatives to Al-Qaida, with future considerations to the American team from Al-Qaida, possibly an expert on suicide bombing.

McChrystal, for one, was ecstatic on the deal, stating that, "I've always enjoyed watching the Taliban work. They're skilled. They're fun. They want to win. They drive Toyotas with rocket launchers. I'll fit in well with them. I soured on the management on the American team. Not enough commitment to win. Plus I couldn't smoke what I wanted. Besides, I want to have many wives, and with the Tali I can do that. Good money here, and the cost of living is low. And, it'll be great to do counter-counter insurgency. Can't wait."
Analysts predict that the first round draft choice would most likely be Mohammed Many Mohammed, an IED maker of high promise, who personally has claimed the lives of 75 coalition soldiers, runs fast and who speaks passable English. When interviewed this afternoon, Mohammed claimed that he doesn't care who he plays for, "as long as I can see heads blown off." That's the attitude, analysts say, that the American side sorely lacks and why it's ready to deal now.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The World Cup? We Can Do it Better.

Over here at the Daily Satirist, we occasionally come up with ideas so delusional, so completely out there, that we deem them ready for prime time. So in the spirit of sport being employed to help bridge nations together (think China - USA table tennis, 1971. Didn't matter that the Yanks got their asses kicked; or the war on ice between Canada and the Soviets in '72, when Canadian nationalism was born) we propose a soccer tournament unlike any other.

What to call this new event? Well, now that you've asked, we've already thought up a catchy Internet friendly title - "The League of The Damned." And only the truly damned need apply. But we're lucky in this case, since all of our damned candidates are in one very easy to find geographic area. In fact, there are so many of these goddamned candidates we have to divide this league into groups. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. The No Right To Exist Division: The most volatile, and of course, entertaining of are proposed groupings, this collection of cast-offs and zealots should provide some of the most aggressive soccer of our tourney, think soccer with body-checks, as it were. This division is composed of the following interesting, and very scary, teams:
A. The Hamas Terror: Ah the Terror - all our experts are convinced this team will lead the other three in the division, since most of the side play full time soccer in sand lots in Gaza (dressed in full black regalia, complete with balaclava, think of the heat), assembling rocket launchers when the weather is poor. Intricate play making and lightning quick. These guys are good.
B. The Tel Aviv Cosmopolitans: Such a group this is! Expat Russians, Hungarians, a Mossad agent here and there, and a smattering of the best of the downtown gay club teams, the Cosmos have a fluid, smooth ball control style. They will be destroyed.
C. The Ramallah Palestinians: The club team of Al-Fatah, the Palestinians have a fast, emotional young team (coached by a self hating Jew from England) that could surprise. Play while crying. Their match with the Terror is eagerly awaited.
D. The Jerusalem Temple of Zion: Ariel Sharon's favorite team. Attack oriented style, unrelenting, physically intimidating opposing goalkeepers. Opportunistic, they capitalize on opposition mistakes. Favored to advance from the division. Crowd control at their match with the Terror? Nonexistent.

2. The Outlier Division: Good teams reside here, with crowds at most matches expected to be less violent than the No Right To Exist group. Still some tempers might flare, especially when:
A & B: The Beirut Christian Crusaders meet The Hezbollah Mohammeds. Both of these clubs employ strong defensive systems and controlled attacking. Headbutting is a common tactic in Lebanese football. And Hezbollah is known to bring up fleet Iranians to beef up the side. Christians ear bite. Could get ugly.
C. The Jordanian National Army Team: Military in name only. All second division players from England and Europe. Slow on the attack. Dressed in all whites, not known for going for the kill. Coached by the ex French national team coach ( another self-hating Jew, what is it with these guys?). Boring to watch. Not expected to advance.
D. The Damascus Sunnis: A late addition to the fray, a typical Syrian ploy. A collection of all-stars from the Syrian national team and expat Iraqiis, they should get clobbered. But the match between them and the Beirut Christians could prove interesting.

3. The Sand And Mountain Division: A motley array of teams featuring a wide variety of styles, including the banzai attack charges of:
A. The Taliban Beheaders: The fact that these guys are even in this tournament points to a lot of gall. And that's their style of play - constant attack, no defence. Even their goalkeeper plays up front. Play soccer while screaming. Will certainly advance.
B. The Kurdistan Rebels: A real sleeper here. Very well led by an Argentinian coaching staff, the Kurds are young, rambunctious and play with no extra players. Will run the entire game. Play while smiling. Could advance. We'd like them to.
C. The Yemeni Martyrs: Practice in secret camps. Players from all over the world. All have six inch long black beards. Play a slow, methodical tic tac toe game. No one knows who the hell is coaching them. Not favored to go further, and hideous to watch. Mohammed help us if they ever tangle with The Temple of Zion.
D. Mogadishu Marauders: A truly violent squad. No ball control whatsoever. All of their friendlies have been forfeited so far, since the entire team ends up red flagged. One player from the Yemeni Martyrs said they scared the hell out of him. Now that's saying something.

So there you have it, our version of a stand alone soccer tournament. If all goes well, it could go a long way in helping people who normally loathe each other come closer together, at least for a little while. And if it doesn't work, and players' eyes get clawed out, well, we'll still get our Nobel Prize, right?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Israeli Cabinet in Test Session

Tel Aviv - In a rare show of unanimity yesterday, the Israeli cabinet decided to change the rules of conduct in all future Gaza blockade related actions. A smiling and visibly happy government spokesman Moishe Strickman described the meeting, " as an emergency. It was so much fun! After last Monday's botched and inept boarding of that activist love boat Mavi what was it?... Marmara? is that it? - ha! funny name...we have chosen a new approach. We must stop those idiotic Swedes and stupid Nobel Prize winners somehow! No more crazy commandos! Ha, ha!"

At that point, AP reporter Meghan Doright broke in, "What is so funny?"
"Funny? What are you talking about? I'm being totally serious!" Strickman retorted, adding, "let me finish, ha, ha, ha...Our Defence Minister, what's his name, came up with this one. During the '67 War, our finest hour of course, we had the means to pacify the entire country of Syria from the newly captured Golan Heights. We never got there, the war ended too soon. Besides, what's his name has said, it scared the hell out of our military at the time. It was developed by the same people who built the nuclear weapons we don't have! Ha..ha..."

"And to placate world opinion, insipid no nothing world opinion, oh how we hate the rest of the world - we had to make sure no do-gooder pseudo peace activist slash terrorist Palestinian lover would be hurt by these new missiles."

"Missiles?" asked Der Speigal's Anika Herzog.


"You said missiles."

"What? Oh yes.. they're only the delivery vehicles, ha, ha..."

"Delivery of what?" asked The Guardian's Rachel Goodhouse, as she reached for her cell phone.

"Of what, of what? you ask? What the hell do I know? Whatever it was we just took! I've never felt so good in my life! Happy, carefree..! I'm just in total love with myself! I don't need my analyst anymore! The entire cabinet tested this and we can now declare that this stuff is so good it's obviously safe. Everybody's rolling in the aisles back there, ha..ha.. It's incredible! People have their clothes off! The next boat that comes over is gonna get nailed! They'll love us for it! We don't even know how long this shit, oh sorry, lasts! Maybe forever ha, ha...! So excuse me, I've got to get back in there, don't wanna miss anything. I think Bibi's up to something. He can be so much fun, you know."

"What's the Defence Minister's name again? Ha, ha.."