Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Forgot Where You Put Your Keys? Don't Worry, It's Evolution

Oslo- Scientists in Norway working at The Thor Heyerdahl Institute For The Advancement Of Theoretical Knowledge have concluded their study on the human brain. The study titled Brain Matters When It’s Shrinking, by doctors Sven Sverdrup and Ollie Van Hostthrumson was ten years in the making, with over 12 000 participants. The study was privately funded with a major contribution being provided by the Coors Brewing Company. When asked about the donation a spokesman for Adolph Coors Inc. said,”Coors Brewing Company is pleased to be associated with such a prestigious study. When people think shrinking brain, we want them to think Coors.”
Results of the study will be published in the Norwegian Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity. Scheduled for the spring issue the magazine will be available at the Norwegian consultant or online at
Thanks to The Daily Satirist’s lifetime subscription to the Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity  we were able to talk with Dr. Van Hostthrumson about the research conducted at the institute.
“The results of the study were quite conclusive,” said Dr. Van Hostthrumson. “We studied x-rays of the participants over the time of the study and there is no doubt that the section of the cerebral cortex that contains human memories is over time, decreasing in size. It seems to be an evolutionary response to our modern society, a defense mechanism so to speak. The brain is being overwhelmed with useless stimuli, what we call the too much crap syndrome. While at the same time the memory part of the brain is being used less and less. First with calculators and now with the internet, humans are relying on electronics to store and calculate data, what we call the lethargic posterior syndrome. When these two conditions occur simultaneously it creates a perfect storm so to speak, with memories being the little fishing boat. We feel, with much confidence I might add, that eventually the humans will have no capacity to remember anything at all. We can see signs of this unfortunate situation already starting to occur. The collective consciousness of society is most defiantly shrinking at quite an alarming rate I might add. Or how else can one explain the resurgence of the U.S. Republican party. There is no other way to explain how their previous eight years in power could be so quickly forgotten.”
Dr. Van Hostthrumson and Dr. Sverdrup will be kicking off a cross country book tour in Come By Chance Newfoundland before working their way east.

Illustration showing results of study. Yellow area represents
the part of the brain that deals with memories. Example of
current brain circa 2010 (left) and brain of the future (right).

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