SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF CANADIANS THINK STEPHEN HARPER IS WORST PRIME MINISTER EVER

After  some delay and much tabulation the results of the inaugural Daily Satirist poll have been tabulated. With U.N. supervision of the ballot counting, Prime Minister  Stephen Harper has been voted WORST PRIME MINISTER EVER. 

Despite a recent  Gallup poll predicting a tight race it turned out to be a runaway decision with the votes going three to one in favour of Worst Prime Minister Ever over the Most Embarrassing Prime Minister Ever.  Barry Beancounter of the Gallup Organization was surprised by the final votes,"I've gone over the numbers several times. Accounting for voter fatigue, bad weather, broken mice and power failures and I'm still surprised that 75% of Canadians feel he is the worst Prime Minister Ever. We had him around fifty percent, sixty at the high end. But the numbers don't lie, just goes to show the Canadian psyche is a strange kettle of fish."

When we called The Prime Minister's office for a comment they said he was busy blowing up balloons for the upcoming G-8 and G-20 meetings and was thus unavailable for comment. We then asked his staff for a word but they said they are forbidden to talk with strangers. Fortunately we were able to contact  former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney on his cell phone while he was waiting in  line at a bank in Bonn Germany,"I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed, I always thought I was the worst Prime Minister ever. None the less I'm proud of Steven and I'm sure he'll do his best to live up the naming. I'd love to talk some more but my turn is up and I have to deposit this bag of money before the wife gets back from the internet cafe."

On behalf of The Daily Satirist the staff would like to congratulate Mr. Harper on being voted worst Prime Minister ever and present him this most lovely trophy. 

Forgot Where You Put Your Keys? Don't Worry, It's Evolution

Oslo- Scientists in Norway working at The Thor Heyerdahl Institute For The Advancement Of Theoretical Knowledge have concluded their study on the human brain. The study titled Brain Matters When It’s Shrinking, by doctors Sven Sverdrup and Ollie Van Hostthrumson was ten years in the making, with over 12 000 participants. The study was privately funded with a major contribution being provided by the Coors Brewing Company. When asked about the donation a spokesman for Adolph Coors Inc. said,”Coors Brewing Company is pleased to be associated with such a prestigious study. When people think shrinking brain, we want them to think Coors.”

Results of the study will be published in the Norwegian Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity. Scheduled for the spring issue the magazine will be available at the Norwegian consultant or online at www.joaeoiiatpomgizgravity.no/indexspring2010

Thanks to The Daily Satirist’s lifetime subscription to the Journal Of Advanced Experiments On Impractical Irregularities And The Physics Of Miniature Golf In Zero Gravity  we were able to talk with Dr. Van Hostthrumson about the research conducted at the institute.

“The results of the study were quite conclusive,” said Dr. Van Hostthrumson. “We studied x-rays of the participants over the time of the study and there is no doubt that the section of the cerebral cortex that contains human memories is over time, decreasing in size. It seems to be an evolutionary response to our modern society, a defense mechanism so to speak. The brain is being overwhelmed with useless stimuli, what we call the too much crap syndrome. While at the same time the memory part of the brain is being used less and less. First with calculators and now with the internet, humans are relying on electronics to store and calculate data, what we call the lethargic posterior syndrome. When these two conditions occur simultaneously it creates a perfect storm so to speak, with memories being the little fishing boat. We feel, with much confidence I might add, that eventually the humans will have no capacity to remember anything at all. We can see signs of this unfortunate situation already starting to occur. The collective consciousness of society is most defiantly shrinking at quite an alarming rate I might add. Or how else can one explain the resurgence of the U.S. Republican party. There is no other way to explain how their previous eight years in power could be so quickly forgotten.”

Dr. Van Hostthrumson and Dr. Sverdrup will be kicking off a cross country book tour in Come By Chance Newfoundland before working their way east.

Illustration showing results of study. Yellow area represents
the part of the brain that deals with memories. Example of
current brain circa 2010 (left) and brain of the future (right).

Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Acting Debut

THE DAILY SATIRIST  EXCLUSIVE VIDEO FROM  NATIONAL YOUTH CAUCUS AFTER SCHOOL PRODUCTION: FEATURING PRIME MINISTER HARPER AS BRAVE SIR ROBIN

Local Labrador Man Kicks Prime Minister Harper Off Island

Labrador- Much to the disdain of his neighbours local inventor Clarence Peters is putting the small town of L'Anse Amour Labrador on the map. Previously known for its picture postcard scenery now-a-days its all about being the east coast hub of technology. Said Hal Johnson, Mr. Peters neighbour for the past twenty years,"we're all very proud of him and appreciate what he is doing for us all but with all the attention we're starting to miss the peace and quiet. We are also worried about making enemies with the feds, but then again this is a Liberal riding so it's not like we're going to be getting any of that federal stimulus money any time soon." 

What did Mr. Peters invent that has the province, country and Conservative Party is such a state? A small computer chip that when installed in any television automatically blocks the presence of Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Watching the hockey game and one of those conservative attack ads starts up, the chip automatically switches to a Harper/Conservative Party free station. Watching the news and a story about the prime minister comes on, bam your watching the Price Is Right. When the previous station is deemed safe your instantly switched back. No more searching for the remote in a mad panic only to switch to another attack ad.

“I got the idea from the V-Chip, but instead I thought why not block out the Prime Minister. It’s not like the Liberals are doing anything about it. So I figured I had to take matters into my own hands. I couldn’t turn on the television with out seen that jerk and it was driving me nuts. Just talking about him I get all riled up. I tell ya the chip saved my life. My blood pressure is down, I’m calmer, even getting a little more nookie from the wife. I heard her chirping to one of her girlfriends the other day that Harper was turning her off men. We were both surprised to find out that was a common occurrence across the island. So for the sake of future Labradorians and couples across Canada I had to do something. Like President Kennedy said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can block out for your country,” said Mr. Peters from his home in Southern Labrador.

Asked whether he is going to market the chip in the rest of Canada Mr. Peters said,”People are so grateful to get a chip it feels like I’m doing God’s work, or the Liberals work anyways. So if the people want them how can I say no. My friend Marvin is building a website, it should be up and running some time soon. We’re going to call it, peace of mind chip dot com.”

Arizona Allegory

Tucson, Arizona - In an apparent attempt to downplay the significance of a firefight that broke out in downtown Tucson yesterday, Police Commissioner Billy J. Hiccup explained in today's news conference that, "I think we may have jumped the gun a little bit, no pun intended. We were expectin' them, that's for sure. "

"Them," in this case, pertain to a group of Mexicans that call themselves ABTM - an acronym for Arizona Belongs to Mexico. ABTM has been known in the past to ask Tucson and Phoenix pedestrians for their identity papers, stating that according to their manifesto, the state of Arizona is still Mexican territory, having been annexed illegally by the United States in 1847.

"Ninety police officers intercepted a large group of what they believed to be illegal aliens riding in broad daylight on Main Street," Hiccup said, "against traffic."

When asked to explain what it was that caused his officers at 9:00 in the morning Sunday to be suspicious of fifteen men wearing sombreros on horseback with ammunition belts across their shoulders, old Mexican Army issue rifles on their laps, Hiccup declared, "Well, it certainly wasn't their weapons. That there is legal here in Arizona, as you all well know. They coulda been firin' them, that woulda been okay too. As long as they pointed them up in the air. A little Sunday fun don't harm anyone. But it was them horses. No proper Arizonan horse would defecate like that on a city street. That just isn't right. And besides, it's against the law."

Before the altercation, witnesses confirmed that ABTM members were heard to be chanting, "The illegals are legal, and the legals are illegal."

Hiccup was asked about a comment attributed to one of the officers that alluded to the horses being the wrong color, and smelling different. "That can't be confirmed," the police chief retorted, "but it could very well be what tipped my men off, that these horses just didn't belong here."

The men on horseback refused to hand over documentation for the horses confirming their legal immigrant status, explaining that none existed, since none of the horses could read or write. Instead, they demanded the police to show their own immigration papers. A standoff (need we say what kind?) ensued. AP wire had reported that a police woman was the first to draw her weapon and fire, just as the TV news crews arrived, causing three suspected alien horses to flee down a back alley, heading south pell mell towards the Rio Grande. The other horses panicked, and charged the police officers. The police then retreated, leaving police cars behind, windshields shattered and doors battered by horses hooves and a fusillade of nineteenth century musket fire.

"I can confirm," Mr. Hiccup continued, "that four horses and their riders were injured due to stun gun blasts, and that the rest have been rounded up and are having their anal cavities checked for illegal drugs as we speak."

Sheriff Hiccup would not elaborate as to whose anal cavities were being probed - rider, horse, or both.

David Duke And Mel Gibson Modernize Ten Commandments

Mel Gibson and David Duke Work On A Scene From Their  New Movie

Hollywood is dumbstruck at the news that former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke and Hollywood Bad Boy Mel Gibson are working on an updated version of Cecile B. Demille's classic The Ten Commandments. Set in modern day America the movie is set for release in time for Passover 2011.

Said Mr. Gibson from location, “The movie is set in the 1980’s with David playing himself or the Moses character. Only instead of leading those Jews to freedom he leads the Republicans to the promised land, or in this case the governors mansion. You know, I get asked all the time about David's acting ability andI tell you the guy is a natural, it's like he's been acting all his life. There is this one touching scene where David is leading us through a shopping mall parking lot  when suddenly there are hordes of crazed Democrats charging at us from all directions. It’s early in the morning you see so  all the doors are still locked, so we’re trapped between the stampeding Democrats on the locked down mall! Then just when everybody is starting to panic David pulls a dollar bill from his wallet, kisses it and then throws it in the air. While everybody is watching the bill flutter in the wind, miraculously the doors to the Bed Bath and Beyond spring open and part like the Red Sea, with David leading us to safety. I’m not to proud to say I was almost brought to tears when I watched the dailies. I play a local sheriff who keeps everybody on the moral high ground, the  Aaron character."

In a stroke of technological engineering the late Marlon Brando is going to be playing the Democratic incumbent. Modernizing the role made famous by Yul Brynner as Pharaoh  Rameses II. When we asked the producers why they decided on Mr. Brando they said they had trouble casting the role. When the word got out that Mel and Dave were involved for some reason alot of people's schedules were booked. Then Mel said he always wanted to work with like minded Mr. Brando but never had the opportunity, it's like getting too shekels for the price of one. 

Rush Limbaugh will be appearing as Dathan Limbrew, a  Republican strategist gone rogue, akin to the role originally played by Edward G. Robinson. Said Mr. Limbaugh,"I'm just so proud to be working with such great people as Mel and Dave. And it's great to be putting the bible in a modern spin that people can relate too."

  

Also slated to appear is Sarah Palin as David Duke's mother. She plays a hippie who leaves the baby Duke in a basket at the Republican National Convention. "The chance to play the role as David Duke's mother is just a dream come true. I'm just going to do my darnedest to make this the best movie I can."

  

The producers are said to be pleased with the movies progress and are looking forward to getting this little piggy to market.

Sarah Palin In Costume For Her Cameo Appearance In Latest 

Gibson Flick  The Ten Consortiums